I hate losing arguments. Are you like me?

Is it important to you to be right? Do you always want the last word in an argument? I know I do!

As I’ve grown older I’ve come to realise that there are more important things in life than being right. For example, being kind or loving. Being right is often over-rated.

At BGBC Sevenoaks, we’ve recently been thinking about a story in John’s Gospel. It’s John’s setting of the ‘last supper’; Jesus and his friends are about to eat together. Before they eat, Jesus gets down from the table, takes off his outer clothes, wraps a towel around his waist, and assumes the role of the lowliest servant in the house, where he washes his disciples’ feet.

A couple of observations from that story: taking off your outer clothing, stripping down to your loin cloth in a room full of people and washing their feet is going to make you feel vulnerable. It’s as though Jesus is stripping away his role, his status, his identity as their leader, and instead making himself lowly and vulnerable before them. He is getting beyond his ‘ego’ and becoming a servant in order to connect with them, love them and teach them.

In her work on what it means to live a “whole hearted life”, American author and academic, Dr. Brené Brown observes that:

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow.”

I wonder if this is what Jesus is demonstrating when he kneels and washes his friends’ feet?

Later during the meal he tells them:

“A new command I give you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

These are some of the most important words in the bible. As Jesus moves beyond his ego, and makes himself vulnerable, he is demonstrating what it means to love one another.

Love is not just a warm, fuzzy feeling, it is a daily decision to step beyond ourselves, beyond our ego’s self-defenses, to serve and connect with one another. By this, says Jesus, everyone will know that you are my disciples.

By what?

By being right all the time? By having correct doctrine (ideas about God)? By keeping up with the latest fashion or style? Nope…

By loving one another. This is what ultimately matters. And it is ‘by this’ that people notice and experience God.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer famously wrote:

“When given the choice between being right and being kind, choose kind every time.”

We all struggle with our ego’s insecurities. None of us like being wrong, and a threatened ego will almost always come out of its corner swinging.

The ego cares about whether we are right or wrong; whereas our heart cares for the person we are having the conversation with.

The next time you feel yourself needing to be right and wanting to crush your opponent’s argument – pause. What is your goal? Being right or being kind and loving?

Winning the ego’s victory or connecting with the person before you?

If Dr. Brown is right, it is also the way to a whole hearted life, whether you’re religious or not.

God, help me choose wisely.

Charlie Ingram